Make your own free website on Tripod.com





After the loss of our daughter, Kurt and I sold our home and Recording Studio and purchased a home in Springfield Oregon, where we decided to move and start new. We began trying to conceive in January of 2002 after a few months I became very obsessed with getting pregnant the sooner the better. I saw my primary care physician who referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I was so blessed, I only had to have one round of clomid at 50 mg for five days and on 4-25-02 had and IUI and we conceived! I was in heaven on earth. We were finally pregnant again. I was monitored by Dr. Austin for the first 10.5 weeks, having weekly transvaginal u/s along with urine/blood tests. The pregnancy was more intense then with my daughter, after losing Kimberlee I couldn't bare the thought of losing this baby. Dr. Austin then referred me to a High risk Ob/Gyn. I had my first appointment with her on july 9th my dh and I saw our baby on the u/s and heard the heartbeat on the doppler,( our first time to hear it) we were referred to a geneticist, for genetic counseling on july 16th. Our was healthy and looked excellent on the u/s, (my age 41 is considered high risk) We had an amnio performed and our next Ob/Gyn appointment was on August 5th, this would give time for the cell tissue to grow and all results to be ready at my visit. My husband and I decided to meet at her office so we could find out the results together. First of all we did the normal urine test, the weigh in, and Jenny asked if we wanted to know the sex, I said oh yes, please!!! We were pregnant with a boy, he was perfect, we heard his heartbeat on the doppler (our second time to hear it), 170 beats. The amnio showed all was well and healthy, life was feeling happier then it had for a long time. Kurt and I were happy and scared at the same time. We stood in the parking lot talking about our baby boy "Patrick", teasing about names, my husband turned to leave and he reached down and rubbed my belly, I said I would see him at home, and we parted. I was on my way home, I was showing at 21.5 weeks. I was rubbing my tummy talking to my son, asking him if he liked the name Patrick, (after my dearest friend) when the unthinkable happened, out of no where a white 4 door Pontiac slammed into the drivers side of our Lincoln signature town car, I was really out of my mind. I didn't know what really had happened, I was trapped, the car was totaled and I could hear the sirens, the Police and EMS came to the site and saw I was pregnant and pulled me from the car and put me in the ambulance. The women in the car had hit and run, I was told they caught her later that afternoon, she was drunk and on crystal meth with no insurance or license, she had priors, she was sited for hit and run and under the influence of intoxicants. Mean while I was taken to Peace Health Sacred Heart medical Center I was seen by the ER attending, my doctor Jenny and the doctor who did my induction, Patrick was gone when we arrived at the hospital, there were no fetal heart tones, no heartbeat on the u/s, my labor was induced and as I laid there in that bed I kept thinking, I could kill myself, my baby was still inside me, and if I did, they couldn't take him from me, I thought long and hard about this and finally realized God would not let me be with my son or daughter if I did this. As I was delivering my baby boy who I knew would not breathe a breath of life in this world, I felt so much hate and anger in my heart, I was angry with God, with the driver of that car and with myself for driving home that route. I hated the world. My "baby boy" Patrick James, was delivered the next early morning at 3:19 am on August 6th, 2002 he was killed by the seat belt I was wearing while in the car wreck. Patrick was so perfect, so tiny, only 21.5 weeks, he had red blonde hair, tiny, tiny feet and hands, oh, his sweet little fingers could barely curl around your pinkie finger, I could hold him in one hand, my love for my baby boy is much bigger then my simple words on paper can begin to describe. Patrick, mommy loves you and my heartaches as I write this for you my son, my sweet angel, my 21 weeks of joy..........I held you in my hand, you forever hold my heart.